Pakistan is drowning, quite literally. But the real flood is not of water, it’s of absurd statements from its lawmakers. As Punjab and Khyber Pakhtunkhwa sink, Pakistani leaders are competing in a stand-up contest nobody asked for.
From “Barish causes Torrential rain” to “store floodwater in your bathtubs”, their soundbites make it look like the entire cabinet is run by a comedy club instead of a government.
Maryam Nawaz: When Rain Explains Rain
Maryam Nawaz recently enlightened Pakistanis with a scientific discovery: Torrential rain is caused by “Barish”.
Yes, you read that right. Somewhere, a scientist must be dying all over again! Some other scientists must be wondering why they wasted decades on research when Maryam Nawaz had the formula all along. The people of Lahore didn’t need weather satellites; they just needed Maryam’s kindergarten weather report. Next time, perhaps she will inform citizens that night is caused by the absence of the sun? Or maybe illness causes disease.
Meanwhile, Lahore and Multan received over 120 mm of rainfall in a single day. Thereby, leaving roads looking like Venice minus the romance. Citizens didn’t get boats, but they got Maryam’s meteorology lesson. Truly, a comic relief!
Bilawal Bhutto: 2019 Baby Logic Revisted in Baby English
Then came Bilawal Bhutto, Pakistan’s 2019 eternally enshrined ridiculous words. He seems to have taken over the mantle of a full-time philosopher of the obvious. To explain the 2019 floods, Bilawal gave his TED Talk:
“If the rains are less, the water is less. If the rains are heavy, the water is more.”
The statement was so profound that unternet reviews it every time Pakistan floods. It sounded like a nursery rhyme gone wrong. In 2024, Billo Rani could not pronounce th ename of his own city correctly while touring a flood affected region. If Bilawal continues this line of thought, we might soon hear: “If the food is less, you are hungry. If the food is more, you are full.”
Meanwhile, Pakistan’s Punjab state is gasping under historic floods, and over 2 million people are affected. However, Bilawal’s pearls of wisdom have brought at least one thing—comic enlightenment to the Punjabi Pakistani people. Perhaps Pakistan should package his lines into a school textbook titled “Bhutto’s Guide to Obvious Facts.”
Khawaja Asif: Bathtubs, Buckets, and ‘Allah ki Rehmat’
Defense Minister Khawaja Asif went one step further than the others – Instead of giving relief measures, he called the floods “Allah ki Rehmat” or God’s blessing.
Thereafter, he went forth to advise his people to store floodwater in buckets, tubs, and even bathrooms. Yes, because when your home is drowning, the first thing you want to do is scoop water into a bucket. He further stated that building dams will take year. Hence, forget dams, forget drainage systems – Pakistan’s new flood management policy is DIY water storage.
The reality, however, is no joke. Over 854 people have died, more than 2 million affected, and livestock worth lakhs drowned. But while families struggle for potable water, Asif wants them to store dirty floodwater in their washrooms. Somewhere in the world, a health minister is fainting.
Nature’s Wrath, Leaders’ Comedy
While the NDMA confirms 484 deaths in Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, 209 in Punjab, and hundreds more elsewhere, the government seems more focused on shifting blame to India for “releasing water” than taking responsibility for poor infrastructure. The Indian government had warned Pakistan, not once but twice, before releasing the dam water. However, it is easier to blame “Endia” than claim responsibility for the reprehensible handling of the emergency.
The Pakistani Punjab government even claimed Sutlej’s floods were India’s fault – because obviously, building dams in 70 years of independence is too mainstream.
Federal Climate Change Minister Musadik Malik said the focus was to prevent the water flow from crossing 1 million cusecs. However, he probably did not mean by engineering – as no such measure was ever incorporated in Pakistan. Thus, he presumably hoped for divine intervention and unlimited buckets.
Punchline in a Tragedy
Instead of long-term planning, Pakistan’s leaders are busy auditioning for The Great Flood Comedy Show.
If there was a UN award for “Most Ridiculous Disaster Management Quotes,” Islamabad would sweep the category every year. Floods are tragic. But in Pakistan, they also come with comic relief delivered straight from the top brass. Maryam tells you that rain is rain. Bilawal gives you baby logic. Khawaja Asif wants your bathroom to double as a dam.
Pakistan may be drowning, but its politicians are floating in their own sea of absurdity.
