Let’s dive in and see if we can’t ruin the Christmas spirit with a little history lesson.
Christmas: The Ultimate Copy-Paste Festival
Once upon a time, in ancient Rome, December was party season. They called it Saturnalia, a week-long bash to celebrate Saturn, the god of agriculture. Think public feasts, gift-giving, gambling, and even cross-dressing—basically, ancient Rome’s version of Mardi Gras. And then there was Dies Natalis Solis Invicti, or the “Birthday of the Unconquered Sun,” which marked the winter solstice on December 25. Sounds oddly familiar, doesn’t it?
Meanwhile, up north, the Germanic tribes were having their own fun with Yule, a festival complete with bonfires, evergreen decorations, and feasting. Odin, the Viking god, made an appearance, too—probably riding his eight-legged horse, Sleipnir. The Christians must’ve seen these celebrations and thought, “Why let the pagans have all the fun? Let’s slap a ‘Jesus was born’ sticker on it and call it Christmas!” Never mind that the gospels hint Jesus wasn’t born in winter—details, schmetails.
The Wild, Drunken Christmas of Yore
Now, if you think early Christmas was all about peace and goodwill, think again. For over a thousand years, Christmas was more like The Purge, where drunken mobs roamed the streets, demanding food and booze from the rich. Refuse them, and you’d find yourself on the wrong end of some good old-fashioned “Christmas violence.”
When the Puritans showed up in America, they took one look at this chaos and said, “Nope.” In fact, they banned Christmas outright in some colonies. Celebrating it could even get you fined. It wasn’t until the 19th century, when the holiday got a much-needed PR makeover, that Christmas morphed into the family-friendly, gift-exchanging festivity we know today.
Enter Santa Claus: The Ultimate Marketing Gimmick
And then we have Santa Claus, the star of Christmas. In schools across India, kids dress up as Santa, oblivious to his shady past. Who was this guy? Well, he started as Saint Nicholas, a 3rd-century bishop known for, wait for it, smashing idols and destroying temples of pagan gods like Zeus and Artemis. Nothing screams “holiday cheer” like a guy on a temple-demolishing spree.
Later, during the Reformation, Saint Nicholas got a makeover. In England, he became “Father Christmas,” a jolly old man handing out presents. Dutch settlers in America brought their version, Sinterklaas, and voilà, Santa Claus was born. By the 20th century, Coca-Cola had him chugging soda in advertisements, cementing his image as a red-suited, gift-toting mascot. Who needs history when you’ve got capitalism?
Gifts with Strings Attached
Oh, and about those gifts. Saint Nicholas wasn’t just spreading joy out of the goodness of his heart. The presents were bait, handed out to recent converts to stop them from sliding back into their pagan ways. “Here, take this shiny new thing—and don’t you dare celebrate Saturnalia again!” Missionaries have been running this playbook for centuries, and Christmas is Exhibit A.
A Word on Secularism
So here we are, centuries later, celebrating a festival built on the ruins of ancient traditions. Indians, ever the enthusiastic adopters, have embraced Christmas with open arms, all while forgetting their own rich cultural heritage. As the late Sitaram Goel once said:
“Closed creeds like Christianity, which are not in accord with the spirituality of Sanatana Dharma, have no place in India. No quarter can be given to these creeds in the name of secularism, which they are using to subvert India’s ancient spiritual heritage.”
But who needs spiritual heritage when you’ve got candy canes, fairy lights, and Instagram-worthy Santa selfies? So, go ahead, celebrate this “secular” festival with zeal. Just don’t look too closely at the history—you might not like what you find.